12.12 (21:58): have been so sleepy. today i woke up at 10am in m’s cozy comfy bed having slept awfully. felt crazy cuz their bed looks like evening all the time so i has no sense that it was morning, never mind 10am. they made me breakfast (eggs, bacon, hash browns), then they went to work and i stayed in bed even longer feeling catatonic. emerged into the daylight around 3pm and went to them to return their keys. we got empanadas together on their break and honestly they were amazing. empanada mama i didn’t know you had game like that. they really revived me and work later was therefore manageable. afterwards i took the train to e’s and she made me mac and cheese dinner and i knitted on her couch while she told me more about the first guy she’s hooked up with since her heartbreak this summer. she’s feeling so happy, how great. then we went to a cookie contest at her ceramics studio and she won first place for the third year in a row. so crazy. now i’m on my way home ready to sleep normally for the first.time in days please.

12.10 (17:49): goooood day. woke up, made tea and knitted for a while, then had 1 work. i love what i’m making rn — a sweater using the pattern i wrote last spring, this time in much more hardwearing medium-coarse wool from a farm in mayne. i thought at first that the wool would be too coarse to knit tightly without it feeling like burlap or something, but i’ve come around to it. itchy sweaters forever.

then did laundry and cleaned because m. is coming over after their work — they’re working some holiday party at the store. then had work 2 where i got a referral maybe for another client NOT through my agency yay. this all landed me in tribeca at 5pm with 90 minutes to kill before my weaving class tonight. so i got pho at a new (to me) place in chinatown and it was so crazy good. perfect cuz it got rainy so i was camped out in the foggy window eating my soup with chili and lime and pickled garlic slices. amazing.

now i’m on my way back to brooklyn for my class. i’m going to try and find something sweet on my way. really loving peanut butter cups lately and i think they have good kind at the corner store nearby…

12.08 (21:27): a little buzzed listening to big thief “sparrow” on the train home from work cuz two of the kids i have worked with over the years’ parents invited me to enjoy some wine with them after our session hehe.

something really cute and beautiful is that for years i felt super embarrassed about my work bc while i care about education it’s not like tutoring is like, My Passion, nor is it a job that’s really respected (even my clients are like…so what else do you do…), but actually if i could tutor math and teach textile arts and make my own stuff forever i kind of would. perfect balance and i feel genuinely good at all of these things and enjoy doing them.

the cutest thing about my textiles job (existing since this past summer for context) is that i am known for being very meticulous. which is so funny because in my personal life i feel i am known to be extremely spacey and not on top of my shit. the basic administrative tasks of my life could not take up less headspace than they currently do. even with my other job i’m like, hm, i could spent more time getting organized and prepping thoroughly. but now and then people at (textile) work are like, “oh of course you’re doing that very slow and boring and labor intensive thing, classic.” sounds so lame to even say aloud but idk, i am very used to feeling lazy and uh? slapdash, if that makes sense, and now i’m like oh, i’m not actually that way always and people actually actively perceive me as being the opposite. cuteness.

11.29 (9:06): tried passively to avoid a mega thanksgiving feast because all i have wanted is time to myself this break, but didn’t really end up having that anyways because m. was staying with me until yesterday. all good and the feast was nice. it was just four of us (me, m., e., and my sister) and enjoyed by all. everyone slept over and my sister made us all coffee in the morning and then we spent the day playing video games together and eating seconds and thirds of the feast.

today i wake up alone and i will make tea and eat a slice of pie and finish the back panel of the itchy beautiful sweater i’m working on, then maybe also finish the hat i’m doing and spin the rest of the white romney wool i started. and hopefully watch a movie.

11.14 (20:40): worked early today, then had nothing. have been working so much which means i spend a ton of time on the train every day, but this also means i'm over a hundred pages into the lucy sante essay book i'm reading, which i have been really liking. when i got home i did even more work and then it was 4 and i hadn't eaten yet, so i went to the diner for a monte cristo sandwich and french fries. it was especially good and i got to read more and sit at my favorite corner table. since i got back i've spun a lot and that's basically it. i work even earlier tomorrow and i'm so over it. i'm not motivated to knit at all and my stomach kind of hurts so i keep lying around waiting to want to start doing something real. ugh. going to drink some wine in bed and find a movie.

11.11 (23:18): ultimately ideal day? for a work day. woke up and make tea and ate a pastry that was free and spun some wool and then knitted and did some work and then m. came over to eat our fancy leftovers from the weekend and we made out for a while and then i went to real work. read lucy sante’s recent-ish book of essays on the train everywhere and really enjoyed it. and then after work i went to see e. sing backup for her friend who is also a beautiful singer at a bar near me. drank a beautiful beer and thought about different fun things. and then e. drove me home and i ate leftover buddha bodai from last night in my bed. gonna spin a little more then sleep.

11.8 (11:00): feels like i’m always going going going. always picking up more work. always behind on something. have had no more than a day off from work nearly every week since september started. clearly i’m in the mood to feel bad for myself. at least i’ve been making more money. and last night i made soup and m. came over and ate it with me.

11.3 (21:15): got up early and lay in bed for so long. then had tea and bad grocery store croissants and swatched for a new hat. had work, did more work on hat. made amazing spicy sour lamb noodle soup for lunch using leftovers from last night. had more work. the child learned. then went to studio and finished my second dish towel. have so much warp left that maybe i can make a third smaller towel too. want to go and snuggle with m in their new sublet but they maybe have to do work and i definitely have to do my T shot. nondescript day. i frittered away more time than i could have. such is life! drinking bad canned wine on train home and maybe i will read the gary indiana i have.

11.1 (13:33): funny party last night! first of all the barista showed up with her gf. not a problem that she has one (in fact it’s ideal), and i assume they're open cuz i saw her get hinge notifs when i was typing in my number on her phone last week. but this meant they were kind of a duo all night, and as i did not want to get in the way of the gf enjoying her halloween primarily with her gf, i had to be mindful of hanging out with them both too much. meaning i was often alone at a party i had otherwise come alone to. i didn’t feel bad for myself because my worth lies in places other than that party’s social scene, but it did make the night less fun than it could otherwise have been. i liked talking to the barista though. she’s a mom! how cool.

i had a conversation with the gf that really makes me chuckle tho. when barista girl stepped away for a second, i asked the gf how her halloween was, and she said it’s her “first halloween being a f*gg*t,” so i said congrats and asked how it feels being one now. and she responded by being like “you seem like you can chill, so i’ll just say, it’s not like i’m one of those trans people who think being trans is their entire personality. like i have a real job. like it’s nice being happier but it’s not like some major thing, i don’t have a shark stuffed animal.” first of all knowing what that is means you are already beyond the group of pure normie chillers. second of all you just called yourself a f*gg*t three times in like ten minutes before i asked you about it. third of all you are wearing dog ears and a collar.

she was nice and fun to talk to but it was very funny to hear all this. anyways it was too cold on that rooftop so i went home and ate popcorn in my relatively clean bedroom and fell asleep somewhat early.

10.31 (17:40): happy weekend! yesterday i worked all day and then went and took m out for dinner after it had stopped raining. today we got pastries in the morning and then i got a lot of other work done. tomorrow is my first day off in 12 days, so tonight i'm going to the halloween party that the barista invited me to. i'm going as tommy gnosis aka wearing what i like + forehead makeup. m is going to a different halloween party tonight with their gay guy friends. or maybe their straight guy friends, i can't remember. did laundry and am gonna go to the diner now for early dinner and then clean my room to have mental peace when i return from the party. fabulous.

10.26 (21:36): long ass day. worked 9:30-4:30 then went to the studio, hooray, worked on my tea towels. e. made apple cider donuts and i stopped by on my way to the train home so she could give me two. generosity abound. had one on the way to the train and it was sooo good. got home did my t shot a week late then had leftover fries and a salami stick for dinner lying atop three quilts. now gonna finish a sock drink wine and text my crush.

10.24 (20:20): there's a trans girl who works at the coffee shop around the corner from me, and we have almost never talked over the year+ that she has worked there as she is usually behind the espresso machine and not taking orders. but today she asked me if i had plans this weekend, and when i said i didn't have a weekend until the day after halloween, she invited me to an "all-trans" halloween party. hmm!!!

whenever anyone clocks me to my face i always get the urge to ask them how they know i'm trans, though obviously i don't say this out loud and am not actually bothered by it since it's true, and anyways i clocked her too, if not to her face. randomly i chose to then tell her i don't hang out with trans people often, which is true but makes me sound like i don't know any trans people or am disconnected from trans community or culture. which isn't true.

anyways. i am obviously FLATTERED that my gay barista is nice to me in ways not required by the customer service relationship. i also must wonder if this was flirtation or not. anyways i probably will go and now have to decide on a cute costume, and also probably should rehash the rules of my p*ly*m*ry with m. since i haven't hooked up with (or meaningfully expected to hook up with) anyone new in ages. lmao.

10.11 (12:31): sitting in diner alone having hungover post-bday-party breakfast. lovely. highlights include zero no-shows, two homemade birthday cakes, M’s reaction to seeing Em’s much more fancily iced cake, the three giant balloons, Ch. singing “subtly citrus” to the tune of “suddenly seymour,” An. saying “faggot” when the room got quiet, M. giving me a beautiful weaving book, my landlady’s son bringing down a third cake at 11:30pm and accidentally deadnaming me to my friends (funny not bad). hooray for friday birthdays — my gift to myself is two full days of not working after it.

10.9 (23:35): last few minutes of it NOT being my birthday. and also my sisters’ birthday. so i am staying up late trying to finish baking cookies for E and wrapping her gifts and arranging them nicely for her so that she can have a cute bday morning before work because i will be asleep then. i just feel like it’s so nice to wake up to a true surprise and she will not be expecting the giant balloons i got her and real wrapping paper (i wrapped everything in weird-smelling fabric last year — a bust). hehe

10.8 (23:11): something funny is that i feel like no one has ever complimented parts of my body in my life. like none of the people i have ever been with have told me they like particular parts of my body in a sexual way. people say nice things a out what i wear or make (very kind) but i can't remember a single time anyone has gone out of their way to say that they love x body part of mine. i feel like everyone i have ever dated feels like it's illegal to say, wow you have a really nice ass. if anything it's oh your hands are beautiful (code for you want me to top you; lame) or you have lovely eyes (grandma compliment). do i have the least remarkable body in the world? why can't anyone tell me i have great tits? i feel like people are uncomfortable speaking about my body to me because they worry about saying something wrong or making me dysphoric, but it just means that i have no sense of being cute from the outside. and i think it's cool to desire specific body parts of the people you're attracted to, and it's upsetting that apparently i only date people who are allergic to objectifying me even in really nice and loving ways.

10.6 (22:28): lying in bed watching sherlock with my <3 while they sleep and i knit. so funny how we watch this now and i basically can’t pay attention to it because i know it so strongly from childhood. also i never was able to understand the plot because my entire goal while watching it back then was to tease out every possible moment of homoeroticism and not to pay attention to the mysteries. now if you ask me the plot of an episode i just watched i’m like god uh. in this episode sherlock calls john his friend. there are gay innkeepers as a parallel to how john and sherlock are gay.

10.6 (11:02): score, i did finish my weaving the other day! and stayed after studio close to drink the weird defrosted beers from the fridge with some of my coworkers and had a nice conversation about art vs craft (they identify as artists, i do not). cool to talk about these things in ways that aren’t about making value judgments at all — i think it’s cool that they make art using textiles and they think it’s cool that i make hats. and we all agree that having the technical skill to produce a desired outcome is still important regardless of what/how you’re making.

am on my way back to the studio now to meet with a student and then take my weaving off the loom and maybe finish it. or maybe start warping for something new. :3

10.4 (12:21): today i’m going to help some fancy weaver dude with a commission. i don’t love his work sorry but i do want to get paid, and more importantly making connections with other textile people makes me feel really good. that’s actually the main function of almost all the non-personal textile work i do — it pays me radically less than tutoring but i feel very secure and competent and like i’m sharing something i really really care about. i’ve also felt bad physically and/or emotionally all week and so haven’t worked on my own weaving at all, and at least his studio isn’t far from mine. maybe i’ll finish my own weaving today too!

9.29 (21:53): yesterday my back was even worse and i just lay in bed all day finding new positions that felt okay. today it feels better thank god, i only had work online for two hours so i could rest some more. amidst this i finished my handspun hat and cast on a new one. i’m really proud of the last one because i pursued spinning in the first place because i felt like the texture of commercially available yarns was really boring to me but i’m not about super kooky art yarns either. and this yarn is the perfect balance, like textured and variegated but not like loud in color or structurally unsound. while i was knitting it two people even said they loved the yarn i was using :’) feels good to make things and then make things with the things you made!

9.27 (23:14): woke up feeling so evil about the world and actually it was a good day. i fucked up something in my back weaving yesterday and have been in some pain because of it and was thinking, i want to call out of work today. but i slept all morning and went anyways; it was just a birthday party (we felted little animal friends!) and actually it was soooo fun and went by so fast. and i got a big tip on top of it all!

am on my way home from work friend party now. back hurtssss but i’m nearly there. tomorrow first full day off in 2 weeks, yay yay!

9.27 (00:27): on way home from belated rosh hashanah dinner. thought i wasn’t gonna make it cuz this week has been so jam packed but glad i persevered. yay for seeing friends i haven’t really seen since summer.

also had weaving class earlier and didn’t finish the piece i’m working on which is good because i was bummed that i had left my new warp yarn at home. and yesterday my boss told me my weaving teacher told them that she loves everything i make :) and then today she offered for me to use one of the bigger older looms next month even tho they normally don’t use them for classes :) so maybe i’ll make a blanket or something, yay.

9.20 (21:19): last night i met a guy who i guess my partner knows and immediately he was like “oh you used to be instagram famous” and i was like “hm is this true” and he said “with the lesbians at the school i went to.” so i asked him if he knew a girl i knew and went on a few dates with many years ago who also went to his school and he said “yeah we’re friends, she went through a fake bisexual phase,” which was odd because a) why would you say that about a friend, and b) this was literally the second thing he’d said to me. immediately i felt defensive even though this girl and i have basically no relationship of any kind anymore, and i said hadn’t she literally had a girlfriend. and he said “oh in high school,” and i said, “no i meant [another girl i know], but sure that too” and he just brushed it off. very odd behavior. surprised to hear gay guys are still peddling fake bisexual accusations against femme girls. i guess because i see those kinds of accusations of products of insecurity in one’s identity, but he’s clearly just some mid faggot.

anyways a funny element of that interaction was him identifying me as a dyke about town meanwhile i was standing next to my partner that he probably thinks of as a gay guy. it’s so fun to be…dare i say…bisexual.

9.17 (20:33): feeling…professionally frenetic but creatively pleased! emily and i have been reorganizing my main bookshelf by publication date — she made a spreadsheet where we logged all of their names/authors/dates so that when i inevitably need go reorganize AGAIN i can just check. we facetimed for an hour this morning while she read out the order to put the books in. thank you emily for your type a organizational powers. did that, met with a student and spun all of the rolags i made last night, hooray. saw more students. i feel really on track to meet my creative goals this week (finish grey woolen spun hat, finish brown merino yarn, thread heddles for dishcloths and start weaving them, sample for another hat w non-handspun). now i’m gonna read i love dick on the rest of the train home. started it cuz of adjacency to all fours, apparently i’m obsessed with reading about long-term relationships and sexual exploration — but NOT to do with like, capital-S Sexuality or sexual identity. hmm!

9.16 (22:53): nvm, feeling accomplished today. threaded half my heddles (314!) at the studio and worked and made dinner and made some rolags and spun some other yarn afterwards. SLEEPY. definitely falling behind on household maintenance tho, oh well.

9.16 (11:09): starting morning feeling failed because i didn’t get to the studio right when it opened (it opened 9 minutes ago and i’m on the train now). but i didn’t because i badly had to do dishes. but i could have done both if i didn’t lie in bed for an hour after waking up. also didn’t make lunch for myself, which i planned to do, but i did get a sandwich to go which is a step better than other days (no lunch at all) but now i guess it means longer studio time. boring boring but why can’t i do the simple things that will improve my life day to day. i guess this is an improvement on what it could be.

9.15 (22:31): been kind of sad slash stressed lately cuz all the main people in my life irl are going through stressful things. am also having lots of feelings about how much time is right to claim for myself to do my own things, which are generally solitary and time-intensive. i feel guilty when i choose to be alone or do my own thing. but i know i benefit so much from the labors and care of others so! i can't just receive. but i'm trying to be very productive crafting-wise this fall because i have loom and free studio access, which means neglecting social things. but i still saw three friends this week plus my partner plus a friend's play this past week, which all made me feel good.

ok other good things: i got hired to continue to teach textile classes through the fall/winter, which came as a complete surprise with perfect timing. i went to the art book fair and got a pornographic fridge magnet and an issue of original plumbing. also my sister (the one i don't live with) got engaged!!! which is so exciting to me even though i knew they'd talked about it and planned on it in a general sense. how crazy to be directly related to a fiancée...for some reason that's so weird to me, i feel completely outside the circle of people who have a relationship to marriage.

9.2 (21:02): back in ny. just finished all fours partly because my train was held underground for a long time on my way back from work. loved it but the worst part was being forced to believe there are dance celebrities that many people would be excited to see. saw marcus for a day and a half and they brought me a stuffed otter from their trip to seattle. it’s curled up holding a starfish and when you hold it it’s like it’s curling up into you. yesterday when i was barely awake they picked up the otter from where it had moved overnight it and put it back on top of my arms. i haven’t named it yet but need to.

8.27 (14:24): i love provincetown! i love reading fiction which i forgot. reading all fours like the latest person ever but whatever. obvious that i’d love it because i love slut fiction. i’m like oh deciding to become anew and sexually exploratory but only 30 minutes from home, that’s like being transgender.

8.24 (16:58): end of summer camp work, sad. but glad to not be working 8-4 every day. on my way back to gaytown right now. hoping it’s still fun and cute even tho most of my normal friends i go with are not coming this year. listening to the shortbus soundtrack in the car with chris who is driving us. i like how chris and i have a few really specific things that we discovered we both like early on (shortbus, charlene the drag queen) and continuously bond over like that. at the very least chris and i will probably become even better friends which i’m glad for. and we have a similar vibe (liking to go to boy beach often and not really s*** and f***, tho he could cuz he’s like the platonic ideal of a ptown man, which i can’t relate to but enjoy witnessing). plus the weather will be colder and i am excited to give cute sweater fagdyke vibes all week

8.19 (08:03): feeling overwhelmed by lack of project completion. need to remind myself i’m working many more hours than i usually do and am trying out several new things. would like to get my batik done by the end of the week tho. and cut and hem some tees before gaytown next week.

at least am feeling cute. it’s not hot out so am wearing emma’s cool soft long sleeve tee from her tattoo artist and socks with sheep and yarn on it (we’re weft dyeing at work today). listening to lambchop on the train and even had time to grab coffee.

8.18 (21:05): long ass day. coteacher out sick and very involved lesson today. evil headache. came home right after work and ate so many weird cheese flavored doritos and had no appetite for a while. but now no more headache and also made dinner and helped sister out, yay

8.17 (18:41): good weekend especially for food. had lunch with old crush friend. ran into a tattoo artist (made one of my favorite tattoos last year) working at a coffee shop and they only made us pay $3.50 for two drinks. really wanted to dance again and specifically wanted to go with marcus but they’ve been feeling kind of down about gay social scenes (real) so instead we saw requiem for a dream at the theater near their new place. SO intense. so glad i saw it for the first time not on my laptop. had really yummy chicken dinner on the street then crashed at theirs.

had a really good conversation with them in the morning about said gay social scene stuff. they are kinda depressed about how everything is always about to become possibly sexual and so consequently one’s worth in these spaces revolves around how thin/built/white/tall/cis you are. i agree that that’s real and also upsetting, but also have a different relationship with it bc i didn’t come up as a participant in that scene (former lez ftm), so i find the open sexuality of those relations a little exciting. even if i ultimately also am somewhat excluded a lot of the time. was glad to talk about it with them. they are so cute and desirable to me!! !!

8.15 (21:20): on my way home. did go out with coworkers but only to the lez bar, then went out dancing by myself. left that once i started thinking too many negative things about the people around me, primarily the people who pushed in front of me. decided it’s actually really embarrassing to push in front of me if you: seem straight, are dressed boring, dance worse than me (hard). need people to seek to channel beauty into the world (many ways to do this). but also i’m just tired and couldn’t dance that hard after working on my feet all day so.

8.15 (08:08): we are back! yesterday felt so bad cuz i went out to gingers with my coworkers other day before and had 3 beers, then had double work yday. today i am wearing a favorite provincetown shirt and listening to a good good mix on the train. at gingers i weirdly joked about drinking on the job, which i said i would do but would literally never do and haven’t ever done. why did i say that?? crazy. i am maybe going back out with the same coworkers tn and must rectify that if so.

i’ve seen almost no non-work friends all summer and this weekend i will see my former crush turned friend, and also my other sister. yay!

8.13 (08:14): my partner has been staying w me for a few weeks between housing situations and today they move into their own sublet. sad!! but also glad for them to have their own space that they control, cuz i keep mine more chaotic than they do. i am wearing their shirt which says “techno” on it to work, and to honor that am listening to a really cute mix my sister sent me (aiden francis). also thinking about how honcho is today and i can’t go because i have this job. i didn’t think i would care but i do! but i still am glad to have this job.